A Fine Frenzy

A Fine Frenzy

August 19, 2018

 


Heart is a minuscule unit in the human body, yet the originator of it. The blood granting life to your body, making the senses feel adequate, is all a favor from the Heart. Hence, It can be referred to as the Sultan of the Human Body, born royal. Being Royal lets you get away with murders, and still feel alright about it.

 

 

I'm a lover.

 

Benevolence for human beings and trusting people, with your loyalty can be a boon at times, yet if heartbreaks are what you remember of most of the relationships, you require a bit of jurisdiction over your heart, but life gives you enough chances to make things right, learn a little bit more of it, everyday.

Life goes on, just like a ship in the thunderstorm, just with a  little less crew.

 

How'd you define a mistake?

I might define it as a leap of faith moment that screwed up, crashing you right into a wave in the ocean, changing the whole course of events, instantly.

A decision that could have been wiser. Maybe a chance you didn't take.

A moment on which acting differently could have led to a different possibility. 

God knows I have made my mistakes, and I'm not ashamed of admitting them.

Being a typical 16 year old teenager, I was unthinking. I used to regard my parents as antagonists and my friends, my passage for freedom. It is, perhaps, what constitutes the ethereal condition of love.

I used to go for private tuitions, after school and there was this fellow classmate, who I had noticed at several times, eyeing me. At instances, our gazes crossed each other and I pretended to look away coy. My kins kept telling me that how he have a huge crush on me. I was a tomboy, so talking to my friends about a boyfriend, didn't play well for the spit fire icon, so I used to brush them off.

Little did I realize, I still was a girl. All that attention, those gazes, started excoriating my heart.

Gradually, gazes turned in to a conversation, and I start talking to him. I liked his company, we used to sit and talk endlessly after tuitions. At times, I used to lie to my parents, just to sneak out from home to meet him. It was a new phase of life. Something, I had just visualised in movies, it was really happening.One good thing about Love, is that it starts like a cool gentle breeze, little do you realise the this breeze is going to be followed by a thunderstorm.

One of the elderly of town who saw us one day walking down a street, missing our classes. It's a little town, word goes around, really quick.He called up my father and told him about my flying spree, missing out my classes and spending time with that boy.

It didn't go down well with my father.

According to him, I should pay heed to my studies and my career, not some random boy. He was right, but I was too domineering to pay any attention. I ended up being scolded regularly, by my mother and father, but that didn't put a halt on my love affair, instead it instigated it, like wildfire.

I kept on with our regular meetings. Once I told him, about what happened at home. 

"Its okay. Indian parents are like that, I will be here for you, no matter what." He said.

I chose to believe him, over my father's word.

Long conversations over the phone, resulted in increase in the phone bills, and decrease in my grades, and my levels being all over the place. I thought it will go on like this forever,  One day his mother went through his phone records, and decided to call my mother.
until

She told my mother that I am wooing his son, seeking my romance partner in him. I'm prevailing upon him, to be with me,that I incline him to meet and talk to me.

Later that evening, when I came home from school, my mother held my arm, and dragged me into my room. She made me sit on the bed, and told me about the conversation she had with his mother. She wasn't angry, I could make that out from her tone. She was rather dishonoured.

She asked me that if that lad can say all this to his mother, do you even think he will ever stand by you?

I still refused to believe her, I told myself that he might have gotten scared upon that sudden interrogation from his mother. 

Somehow, my parents knew, I am still in contact with him. My father stopped saying a word to me. He thought that I will learn my lesson in my own time.

He was right.

2 years passed by. I cleared my year 10, and was looking for schools for admission.

When nothing worked out, I ended up in the same school as his. It was a special feeling for me. The thought of being able to meet him everyday in school, was a fancy. The girl in me was fluttering even though, it wasn't the best decision for my growth and career.

I opted for the medical field, found that I couldn't concentrate on my studies. I was either meeting up with him, or making castles in air.

Until one day, he announced that his mother told him that I am a diabetic and they wouldn't want their son to be talking or being friends with such a girl. Apparently, he cannot be friends with me as his mother want someone who doesn't have any illness to be part of their family, and me on the other hand is diabetic and of different religion as well. The castles I made, were washed off.

I told him, that we can be friends, and that he can marry whoever his mother wants. So we stayed friends. We used to hang out together with friends.

Finally when I moved to Australia and I did find out about my kidneys, I decided to call him up. When I told him about my recent findings, there was a bit of silence on the line, and then he said, "Oh, do not mind me asking then, how much time you have left?"

I spoke to him calmly on that phone call but the minute he hung up, I realised that this relationship is not worth my time or energy. I recollected the memories of hurting my family over a lousy fellow like this. At that point I really hated myself for going against the grain, disrespecting my family and still being friends.

 

I burnt the bridges, diminishing all the connections with that guy and I am glad I did.

I know my worth now to respect myself enough. It doesn't matter if you are in a bad condition or not, you are still a human being, worthy of all the love and care in this world and anyone who shows you otherwise, can stick up their opinions, you know where.

With time, I have substantiated that I am not just diabetes. I am so much more than my illness. My illness might define most of the times that I've spent in my life, but it still does not defines me.

I find myself, fortuitous to be in shade of my parents even though I have caused them a lot of pain. Even though I made them go through so much over some muddle-headed dude, they still adore me and take care of me. My father never lost hope on me and my mother never stopped loving me. I have established a simple fact, that your family means more than anything or anyone else. Just trying to make my parents proud, is my redemption from the transgression of hurting them when I was a teenager.

My life will not be defined by the perception of a man. Those will come and go. But what has driven me to run for my life, still drives me today, is the knowledge that heroes do walk among us with tremendous strength and power, in form of our parents. What hurt more than the words themselves was the fact that they came from the mouth of someone who claims to love and cherish me. Neither one of us are in any position to judge, but the audacity of this man child, sitting before me is what kills.

I see him now without rose colored lenses, and the view is far from perfect, but what have I to gain from announcing my lovers shortcomings, as if he isn't already well acquainted with all of his dispositions. These traits are common amongst a lot of relationships, all part of a unique charm, in a lot of men. These traits are indicative of a man who will to hurt you when you're feeling less than perfect.

I chose to love him for who he is, not chastise him for who he is not. If I could get half of that decency in return, I'd be pleased. 

Your greatest retaliation lies in continuing to be fearlessly and beautifully you in spite of it all. Nothing silences the haters quite like unyielding confidence and knowledge of your worth. I wear my Tiara with pride, I hope you will do the same.

 

 

 

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