Colourblind - II

Colourblind - II

October 7, 2018

You don't really care about what I have to say, do you? That's all right.

When I was young, I probably wouldn't care about what I had to say, either.

I was a real prick just like you. Only I was a kid. 

My parents were good samanitarians.

They couldn't control me.

All I wanted to do was, I wanted to hurt people.

And I did. I hurt people.

Is that what you want?

We are all lonely. I sometimes think that this is all life is. We're just fighting not to be alone.

I'm going to do you a big favor. I'm going to give you some free, unsolicited advice.

A chronic sickness is not compatible with family or friends.

It's a lonely row to hoe !

I'll have to tell you, I do approve of loneliness. Truth is, I just don't trust anyone else to get it right. 

You want to label me something, then call it arrogance. 

Others will let do you down. 

Of course they will, darling.

C'est la vie. 

That's life.

Guys like us, paranoia is second nature.I get that.

You and me have both done things that we would like to take back.

It was a cold night, when I insisted on listening to songs, marking time while waiting for the show to be over. I was hurt and relentless.

was doing everything I could to hold it together, and then at night, I decided to overdose myself with insulin.  

My anatomy was trying its hardest share but I was persistent,

I sent a text message to a friend, bid my last goodbyes. I cried to God with my mouth, and he was extolled with my tongue.I regarded the iniquity in my heart, it felt like the Lord will not hear me.

I was falling into a pitch black hole, wishing for all the troubles to go away.

I was about to lose hope, but then God heard me, he attended to the voice of my prayer.

He did not turn away my prayer, nor his mercy from me.

 

Apparently, my friend was a bit too sensible and suddenly realized I have done something stupid wrong. He called my father and told him.

I was getting drowsy when my father barged in the room. He checked on me and took me to his room, fed me sugar, water and checked my levels before I finally went to sleep.

I could see the panic on my parents face that night, and I felt more of the self-importance washing off.

I realized I will have to trust someone, sometime. Though I wonder if it isn't the other way around.After what happened that night, perhaps I was terrified someone will choose to trust me.

I decided to mend my ways and try to be more responsible.

Ever since I moved to Australia there has been moments of weakness, but I've started to realise better. I've been living here all by myself since past 4 years trying to make it work so my parents do not have to worry about my expenses and illness.

I started developing anxiety in late 2014, where I used to get a panic attack at 3 in the morning. I used to go out running, it helped me calm my nerves and exhaust me, so I could finally go to sleep.

I decided to see a psychologist about it because my panic attacks were getting more frequent.

During my first session, I broke down trying to explain to him the turmoil of feelings I was going through.

I went in for couple of sessions whenever I was in for my endocrinologist appointments. I started feeling better after that, trying to focus on work and managing my health.

I still have weak stomach at night, at times when I cannot sleep and negativity creeps into my mind. I just end up crying so much missing home.

When I go to my doctor's appointment, I see people accompanying the other patients while I sit there by myself. I think it feels good, to have someone with you who can take care of all the concerns you have to deal with, who can cook for you on the days you're off colour and just be there to listen and understand what you're going through, but then I shrug off the idea.

I console myself by thinking that it's my burden to carry, not someone else's so why should someone give up on all they deserve, just to be with me and suffer the way my family have to suffer, be worried about my health all the time, not to forget the expenses the ailment brings along with.

Here I go again with the turmoil of feelings I was talking about.

You  like to be with someone, to have someone in your life for sharing your good and bad, but then I realise, my bad outnumbers the good.

I always look for the sunshine after a rainy day. For quite sometime, I used to find my resort in wine. Gulping down a glass or two while having a real hard day and then waiting for it to turn me tispy.  Just so, I could finally go to bed without being up for a couple of hours, left to twist and turn in the bed, overthinking things and crying my eyes out for no reason.

How we deal with disappointments is what decides the person we are, which is why I chose to stay. It'd be good for the guys to see someone like them who made a second life.

At times you're too hard on yourself. You blame yourself, while this isn't your fault.You feel guilty, and I don't think that helps you.You should allow yourself to feel what you feel.

I'm not recommending anything, just sharing what helps me at times to get through a bad day. It takes a while to find my motivation to go through the same cycle again.

If you feel low or upset just take a day off have a cup of coffee, read a good book, watch a crappy movie, go out on a beach, the idea is just to give your mind some rest. You deserve a day off from everyday struggle, just breathe and relax and do not let pessimism take the best of you.

Just try to think more about what you were doing and what you should do.

Your life is worth every effort you make to build it better for yourself.

Death's inevitable. It's a promise made to each of us at birth but before that promise is kept, we all hope something will happen to us, whether it is the thrill of romance,the joy of raising a family,or the anguish of great loss.We all hope to experience something that make our lives meaningful,but the sad fact is,not all lives have meaning.Some people spend their time on this planet just sitting on the sidelines, waiting for something to happen to them, before it's too late.

Let others be all the judge, they want to be but pay no heed to anyone, not for even a single second. You have come this far and know it in your heart that no matter what you will be fine. No one is walking in your shoes so forgive them for not unde rstanding and keep that chin up and headstrong. 

I do the same. I hope you do too. 

 

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