Tabernacle

Tabernacle

March 31, 2019

If there is no struggle, there is no progress. However, there is no expiry date on the struggle.

These past couple of months, I have been going through a lot of personal and professional issues. The spectrum ranges from the stress at job, my visa and my lifestyle.

There are days when everything feels like an irreparable mess while on the other it feels that I will get through it. I was a science nerd most part of my life so working in the hospitality industry seemed like a challenge but I decided to test the waters. Life hasn't been the most supportive in terms so every now and then I struggle to make it through the day at times as the fatigue exhausts me physically and mentally.

There is time when melancholy and depression takes over my peace and there I am crying my eyes out thinking, Why everything is not working out the way I planned it to be? Why does it have to be  so difficult to settle down in life? 

I have to keep reminding myself that it will all be okay.

Bad times are good times to prepare for better times. Like they say, this too shall pass. The only thing constant about life is the change. I find myself thinking that people the same age have finished their Masters as well while here I am struggling to start even my Bachelor's degree.

I am also aware that time is a luxury for me. Like everyone else I do not even have enough time to spare given the extent of my ailment and it's future repercussions. There's so much to do with so little time. Trying to settle in a foreign country, making a living, accomplishing my goals, trying to achieve what I aimed for, believe me it's all so not easy at all. I work as a casual waitress in a resort.

I am pretty good at my job and before I started here, I used to manage a 120 seater restaurant and making a good deal of money for the owner. I actually settled for a less paying, more exhausting job as a waitress. I stay awake at nights. The uncertainties in my head do not let me sleep so I resort to Netflix to avoid thinking about my life and then I sleep throughout the day waking up at 3 pm if I have work in the evening or staying asleep till I feel like it if I got a night off. I hardly care about eating at all.

I have noticed a drastic change in my inclination towards life depending on the phases of my life. I was always energetic and happy and enthusiastic about everything when I was happy doing what I was doing in life but right now I feel like I am just stuck in a monotonous routine of not doing much which makes me so tired, cranky and sad all the time.

In my head I know it is not right for me but I struggle hard everyday to change it. I have put on a bit of weight since past 3 years. Although, its not much but its still not the perfect shape I desire for myself and I find a certain lack of motivation to get over my mind and work out.

Human mind has an affinity towards escapism from the reality. In my head I make up scenarios when things will be different when I will be able to do what I really want to do in life. These past couple of months has been so hard. Work has been so hectic and full of drama as anything and everything bothers me which at the end makes me feel like crap but next day I have to do it all over again.


Going back and forth my immigration lawyer trying to figure out a way to sort my immigration stuff out has left me exhausted. My family wants me to move to Canada and start over my studies but moving to another country after 6 years of struggle just leaving just like that do not feels alright to me. Australia finally started feeling like home and now all of a sudden after investing so much time and  money, I feel like running out of all the options but to leave and settle somewhere else. The idea of starting life again from scratch, living a major part of your life as a refugee along with this accursed illness scares me so much because I felt like being given a new life here by my endocrinologist who made so much efforts towards my health that finally I am able to live independently and work to pay my bills as well. The ordeal to just leave for some place new shook me to the core.

All of that being said, I know that a man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. I have suffered enough horror to realize how fragile happiness is, how eager the universe is to take it away.

As I am writing down this blog today I am making a promise to myself that I will make things better, no matter what. It is me who have to find motivation and inspiration to do better in life. I will have to work towards losing the extra weight on me and make myself fit and energetic again. I have to start sleeping on time and wake up on an early hour. This depression cannot win over me. I simply won't let it.

I have to do this for myself and my family. I just wanted to write this blog to send out a positive message and to reach out to those who feel the same way, telling them its okay to contemplate on your life sometimes but at the end we are the only ones who can make Miracles happen.

I don't know about your whereabouts or what you're struggling in life with but you need to look your struggles right into the face. You need to understand, and constantly remain aware, of how difficult things are going to be. And you will have to accept the fact, that you will struggle. Once you’ve done that, everything will become possible because you will no longer complain, about how difficult things are, because you are going to focus, on doing the best work, you possibly can and because you will become an unstoppable force of forward motion. Miracles are really just that: somebody had the willpower and strength to keep pushing forward, until they turned something seemingly impossible, into reality. I know I will keep pushing myself.

I hope you do too.

 

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