It's alright to take some time off from the daily grind, take your time to heal while preparing yourself for the next day. The battle keeps going. It's okay to take some time off to grieve, to reflect and reconcile your actions, a few moments just by yourself to take a look around, to reconstruct yourself and decide which way to go from here.
I have been away for a while. I am sorry about that. Life just doesn't stop throwing curve balls at me. I'm afraid there's little I can do about that. I never imagined just to show up at work every day would be such a struggle.
I have been dealing with some personal issues lately and I couldn't get my head straight to writing at that point.
Struggling with getting my Australian residency didn't go the way I expected it to. It'd been a real pain in the neck for quite a while now.
On the finances, I finally quit my job at the Sails Resorts and ended up working at a cafe, discovering my recent love for barista Coffee.
Don't get me wrong. I have been working in the hospitality industry for the last 6 years but I have never worked as a Barista. I regret not trying it sooner because I just love making coffees.
It gets hard at times when I get multiple orders in a row and me being this novice barista, gets a bit slower in sending the orders out because I want to send a good cup of coffee out for every order.
At times while the place is packed, my levels would drop and then I have to ask someone to get me a glass of juice while I am busy working on the coffee machine.
Most of my colleagues are conscious towards my diabetes. They tend to put out a helping hand every time I need one but the story doesn't goes the same way every day.
I recall an incident from when I first started working there. One of those days, my levels were dropping, the place was busy. I took a minute off to have a glass of juice. I was eating jelly beans when I noticed someone standing in the kitchen, staring at me. She glared at me for a while and then went back to the manager in charge.
She complained that I was standing there, doing nothing but drinking juice and eating candies.
When I came to know about the complaint, I felt aghast. Without even knowing what condition I was in, she decided to take the matter in her own hands and display her supervisory skills. I was angry but I kept my calm.
Later that day, I took her to a corner, and told her how I was diabetic and I needed to eat or drink something at that point of time to keep myself from fainting or eventually dying.
I hope she might have understood it.
All of us who have some kind of chronic illness have to face this once in a while, where a healthy person chooses to act ignorant towards you, while you actually are dealing with keeping yourself alive every single day. I guess that day I learnt that instead of getting mad angry at somebody for being ignorant or oblivious to our chronic truths, I will rather try to explain them the truth and try to spread awareness, and I hope they know better for the next time. Life is not as easy for everyone, and with easy I am not referring to your daily struggles for getting a job, relationship issues or making money.
For some one like me, fighting against diabetes is an ongoing battle. The times you fail, you end up on a hospital bed. The times you pass, you get to go home alive, survival is the reward.
I sometimes sit back and think about the journey of this little spoiled brat. How this 7 year old has grown up to be this woman, trying to control her temper, trying to grow to be a better human being and most important trying to take care of herself.
I ponder at times about why I started this website, why I started writing these blogs and finally I got the answer.
Last week, I had the most depressing day of my life but the agonizing pain revealed to me that there are so many people out there, who feel somewhat similar to how I felt that day. Living with a chronic illness is not easy, and maybe reading my post might help someone to get back on their feet after a bad day.
I think at one point in life, a sense of mere belonging seems more comfortable than the sense of security. My posts will give them the idea that they belong.
If you're chronically ill, I know most of the days in your life are rainy, but you need to stand up for yourself. You need to find that inner strength, search for the light in the abyss and no matter what, keep your head up, keep going on with your life. I know it's not going to be easy but I can promise you this, I will be here for you.
Apart from this new job, I found some lunatic friends, who helped me to fight the worst phase, when finding the hope felt impossible. They stood there, listening to everything I had to say and helping me to make some sense of all the chaos that has been going around in terms of job, my personal life and my health.
During the appointment with my Nephrologist in April this year, she told me that my condition is deteriorating slowly and gradually. They might have to perform a kidney biopsy sooner or later, to figure out the actual damage to my kidneys.
I spoke to mother that night. At the same time, watching my grandfather struggle with dialysis made it worse.
The fact that I am not with him breaks my heart. He is struggling to stand up or walk on his own anymore due to the weakness after dialysis. At times, it just makes me so upset that I cannot help him, being this far away so the least I can do for my family is to smile and laugh when I am talking to them.
The least I can offer them is a consolation that I am okay and trust me on some days it is the hardest thing for me to do. When I look at them, all I want to do is hug them and somehow, fix everything so that they are happy.
I have been through worse. I have been fighting my way out of the corners and I will keep doing it. At this point in life, the only direction to move is forward.
I am hoping that next week will bring out something positive for all of us. Just remember when the times are good, cherish them with both hands. When it rains gold, you put out a bucket, not a thimble.
I do the same.
I hope you do too.