The Lighthouse

I am well and hope you're sailing in the same boat. While I've been getting suggestions to write on a number of topics, and I've been shortlisting those ideas and looking for the facts and figure. This one is just about giving you an update of what has been up.

Last couple of weeks have been tough. My health has been all over the place. The days when I am down it's such a struggle to even crawl out of bed, look for the car keys, go to work and come home just to cook for myself and take care of my cats.

Sometimes I just wish I could come back home, where mother will take care of me while I do not have to do anything, not worry about anything but to lay in her lap, snuggle into her and sleep.

It might sound a bit selfish of me but the constant battle these past 6 and half years while living by myself is getting to me. While we stay with our parents, we are so eager to get out, be independent with taking our own life decisions and managing our affairs ourselves without having to ask anyone's permission.

It might be news to some, but it's rather easier said than done and if you're accompanied with an illness, nothing better than that to spoil your party. The stress and depression it brings along is a completely different ballgame and takes another level of endurance to survive every day and still be resilient about it. You don't want anyone to know your weakness because you don't want your illness to define you.

But let me tell you this, after all these years, I have learnt to appreciate my parents, for just being there like the pole star, or like a lighthouse to guide me while their little viking tries to sail her ship out of notorious waters. Just the light in the distance is enough for the comfort, just to survive another night.

I haven't seen my family in almost 4 years now. A lot has happened over all these years. I went through various phases of hospitalization just by myself. My grandfather started his dialysis. Taran has passed her year 10. She has been gifted a laptop for her computer classes. I hope she makes the best use of it.

Harneet moved to Canada permanently. I hope she makes it big.

While my parents in India are renovating the house. I wish to be able to see my room in the house. I hope they painted it well. I wish to drive around town in my father's car. Some childhood friends have gotten married. My best wishes go out to them.

I try to keep my mind off it by working more hours whenever I can even if I am sick. In a far land, the small talks makes you nostalgic. I talk too over the phone but it does not feel sufficient.

I am trying to scale up my website and blog and try to reach out more people. I'm trying my best to make sense of all the chaos that is happening in my head.

Some days, I just sit back and think what am I even doing? i just work and sleep, and in that I have just stopped living a little. I needed to take more time off work, while I could reflect on my life in peace, while I can dedicate more of my time towards my blog, while doing something productive with my time so I could splurge on things I want to buy, rather just wasting away my time sleeping. The idea of every drop makes up as ocean is just too boring for me. While dealing with all the diabetes rationale, I just want to step off my financial responsibilities for a while, just to spend on some new merch.

I want to help people like me who are going through some form of battle in their lives.

Let my blog be a distant light house to them, just a though that some one is aware.

I feel lonely at time. I know how that longings can wear you out. I am trying to find ways to connect to people and maybe send a hope back so they know that they are not alone. I want to hear people's stories how they do it all and keep going with their lives without giving in to all the hurdles they face in their lives and in saying that I am looking for inspiration too from their stories.

I lost an ex-colleague to cancer this year and it shook me to the core. A man who was healthy until march this year, got diagnosed with brain cancer and just in matter of months, succumbed to it and passed away in June, earlier this year. While I convey my deepest condolences to the family, this tragedy made me wonder how fragile our life is.

At the same time, living in fear makes you anxious and weak. I try to make long term goals, but I've understood that affixing your eyes towards a goal creates a lot of unnecessary stress and while you hate yourself so much, you start generating a regression towards your weakness for not being able to change your life instantly. While enthusiasm is necessary, it's also important to be able to be inactive at times, and just live your life while you're at it. I just wish to be in a more healthy mental space and create a healthy place for people surrounding me too. I aim to do it by living the present to it's fullest, while I'd like to juice out the content from every second.

I aim to do the same, I hope you do too.

#lighthouse #health #healthyplace #slowweek #weakness